Love in the Time of Apps: Tips for Taking a Break From Dating Apps
Ah, the rollercoaster of online dating! You swipe right, you swipe left, you match, you unmatch, and sometimes you just want to toss your phone out the window. Am I right?
Finding a partner through online dating can take a few years — I know several people who met their partners after about a decade of online dating. That means staying resilient and putting yourself out there despite disappointment is essential.
I'm the queen of taking those well-deserved online dating breaks; it's like spa therapy for my heart and soul.
Here are four reasons why you might want to take breaks from online dating:
When your heart is on the mend:
Have you ever been on a rollercoaster that just won't stop? It's fun at first, but eventually, you wanna get off and be on steady ground. Sometimes relationships—or almost relationships—end. Maybe he rekindled flames with his ex, moved to another country, or you just weren't clicking. Or maybe you’re not matching and connecting with anyone you like. I take these moments as a sign from the universe telling me to breathe, hit pause, and recalibrate my emotional GPS.
When the apps turn into a boring re-run:
Picture this: It's summer, and I'm swiping through the usual suspects on Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, and even Dil Mil. But what's this? It's like Groundhog Day. Same faces over again, and no one seems to catch my interest. When this happens, I know it's time to step back and let the algorithm do its magic or reconsider if I can expand my search criteria.
When your calendar looks like a game of tetris:
Let's face it: getting to a date isn't a one-click journey. You need the banter, then a video call, and finally, the in-person meetup—all within 1-2 weeks of matching. I freeze my profile if I'm swamped with life or planning to be away. Let's be real, nothing fizzles faster than a match that's dragged out with boring texting.
When you’re seeing someone:
I'm a one-heart kind of girl. If I'm connecting with someone, the last thing I want to do is dilute that by juggling multiple conversations online – I don’t have the time or energy! I might not pause my profile (who knows what will happen, right?), but I'm definitely not on there swiping like a contestant on a game show.
Here are two ways you can take breaks from dating apps:
Profile on pause: If I’m unavailable for more than 2 weeks, I now put my profile on pause, a feature that almost all dating apps have. This means that my profile will not be shown to any new people, and I won’t accidentally miss chatting with someone who I connected with. Why chat if you can't meet? Chatting endlessly usually leads to the connection fizzling out or one of us developing an unrealistic perception of the other person. Bumble has a snooze feature, Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel have a pause button.
Swipe sabbatical: When my heart's not in it, or I have other priorities like work or family commitments, I simply stop actively looking. I still check my likes a few times a week, but I don’t actively swipe to match with anyone. Why bother swiping if I’m not emotionally available?
Disable notifications: At the very least, disable notifications for the dating apps on your phone and give yourself a set amount of time on each app daily. This will give you some time and emotional space from the dating apps.
Tips for taking a break:
So what do you do when you take a break? I usually focus on self-care, which for me means working or spending time with my friends and family. Maybe I’m going to the farmer’s market, reading, going out to a sushi dinner by myself, journaling, or meeting up with friends and family for a beautiful hike or yummy meal. I focus on activities that bring me joy and peace to refresh my emotional energy.
Shreya, 26, said that taking a break from online dating helped her release expectations about time lines and marriage: “I took a break from dating and went traveling solo. I’m currently on 3 months of solo traveling, and I’ve met tons of people organically, both platonic friends and some romantic relationships...During the process, I have learned more about myself, what I want, what I need, and most importantly, that I should not be living my life based on a timeline. I’m also 26, almost 27, and am in no rush in getting married. It’ll happen when it happens, and I’d much rather take my time with it rather than stick to a timeline I created for myself and rush into marriage with the wrong guy. My only advice is to get rid of any expectations you may have and do something for yourself. Whether it’s traveling or taking up a new hobby, I think it’s important to rediscover yourself before you start dating again.”
Also, think about why you’re taking a break. Are you not feeling confident in yourself? Are you worried about not finding a partner? Are you disappointed in your potential matches? Address the underlying fears and insecurities that brought you to this point. Challenge yourself to grow beyond where you are emotionally.
Anvita said she took the time off from dating to identify what she was looking for in a partner: “I took an 8-month break from dating about 2.5 years ago. Best thing I ever did for myself. Completely detached from any sort of timeline getting married. Got better at sitting with my desire for a long term partner without getting too attached to someone quickly. Got crystal clear on what I was looking for / green flags / red flags / dealbreakers. Started treating dating as more of another life experience rather than just as a means to an outcome. Saying this as a super hopeless romantic. Romanticized my relationship with self. It was so liberating tbh.”
Read a few books, listen to podcasts, journal, talk to friends, browse online resources, join a class, book a few coaching sessions, or start therapy. Take the time to work on what’s stopping you from enjoying dating, if not finding a forever partner.
How long should you take a break for:
It’s up to you to decide how long you want to take a break for. If you’re taking a break because your schedule is busy, then you know when you’ll be available to date again. If you’re taking a break to be more emotionally ready, then give yourself a rough timeline and maybe a few milestones to hit to improve your emotional well-being. I take breaks for anywhere from a few weeks to a few months.
Don’t worry about missing out. The dating apps and potential matches will always be there. And you’re less likely to meet a compatible partner if you’re burned out from dating.
Signs you may need a break:
Not sure if you need to take a break? Here are a few signs:
You feel angry, disappointed, sad, or bitter about dating or your life. Coming into dating with a negative mindset is unlikely to lead to a fun or meaningful experience. If you’re feeling dejected about dating or your life, consider taking a break until you feel open and positive.
You’re not over someone. Still, pining for someone? Maybe take some time for your heart to heal before you put yourself out there again. You might not meet someone right for you if you’re always comparing new people to this last person who you’ve put on a pedestal.
You’re constantly criticizing yourself. If you don’t like yourself and you have low self-esteem, you might not be ready to date. You don’t want to attract someone who might take advantage of your low self-esteem, or people may sense your low self-esteem and not be attracted to you. Go to therapy, work on yourself, and reach a point where you’re at least satisfied with who you are, even if you still want to grow.
You don’t have time to meet up with someone in the next 1-2 weeks. Sometimes life gets busy with work or family obligations, and we’re unavailable. Do yourself and all your potential matches a favor, and try not to be on the apps if you don’t have time to meet up.
You feel like online dating is a chore. Not excited about swiping, talking to, or meeting potential matches? Step back from online dating. Maybe you’re too busy or too tired at the moment to give online dating your best energy. No shame. We’ve all been there. Take your time to refresh your emotional energy.
Donika said she took a year break because “dating felt like a task, not something I wanted to do. I wanted to take a break to figure out what I wanted. I wanted to live by myself and learn what I like and don’t like so that when I find a partner, I’m better able to communicate that.”
She spent the year healing her people-pleasing tendencies and doing fun activities like learning to cook, listening to podcasts, going on trips, and building her fitness routine. She met her future husband on Dil Mil at the end of her year-long break. She credits the break with helping her develop the communication skills, healthy independence, and emotional maturity needed for a happy relationship.
You’re anxious about dating and being in a relationship. Terrified you’re going to end up alone? Constantly checking matches to see if anyone has responded to you? You might need to step back from online dating. Approaching online dating from an anxiety or scarcity mindset might mean that you attract partners who aren’t worthy of your attention and affection. You might be so eager to be in a relationship that you settle for a partner who treats you poorly. You might also not be equipped to deal with the emotional realities of online dating, which can have a lot of ups and downs.
You don’t see anyone appealing. If you’re not matching and connecting with anyone you like, you may need a break from online dating. Maybe you need time to work on yourself, update your profile, or give the algorithm a chance to reset and bring more suitable matches. Maybe you need to go to events and meet people in person. Whatever the reason, take some time to step off the dating apps.
How to ramp back up on online dating:
So you’ve taken a break, and now you’re ready to return to online dating. How do you start back up?
Start by taking a look at your profile. Is your profile still an accurate representation of you? Can you refresh any of the photos? Can you update any of the prompts to be more fun, open, and authentic?
Spend 15 minutes on the apps 3-4 days a week. Start looking at profiles, swiping, and engaging in conversations. You don’t have to invest a ton of time or energy. Just get started. You’ll gradually build your momentum.
One thing you should never do:
I *never* delete my online dating profiles. Why? Because crafting a captivating dating profile is an art! It takes time and thought, and I don’t want to keep doing all of that work repeatedly.
These dating timeouts have been like emotional yoga for me. They've kept me resilient, open, and ready to dive back in when the stars align.
What about you? Ever hit the pause button on your digital love life? What does "taking a break" look like in your world? 🤔
