One underrated thing you must do to live a fulfilling life

Just last Saturday, I did something pretty cool - I took myself out on a date. It was one of those super rare weekends where I had zero plans. I treated myself to dinner at this local sushi place perfect for a solid meal without having to bust the bank (or bust out the stretchy pants). I thought about hitting up a few bars afterward, but they were packed with couples, so I decided to head back to my own cozy space. I curled up with a good book (currently reading this Mindy Kaling’s hit original script, Matt & Ben) for a bit before clocking out at my usual bedtime, 10:30 pm.

Honestly, the younger me from a decade ago would've freaked out at the thought. Back then, every waking moment was filled with work, friends, family, and dates. I can't remember ever voluntarily choosing to spend time alone, especially on a Saturday night. You were likelier to find me at a bar, club, or party until 2 am. But hey, growing up in a family that's always buzzing with people, being alone wasn't a thing.

Now though, at 36 and brimming with confidence, I've realized that my own company can be pretty rad. Especially when you consider that there's no one you'll spend more time with than yourself. So yeah, making peace with myself has been worth it.

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Mastering the art of enjoying your own company is the secret ingredient to a lifetime of joy and fulfillment

Being single, I've found it super important to enjoy my own company. It's the secret sauce to dating without desperation. If I wasn't cool being by myself, I'd be on the desperate hunt for a partner, good or bad. Desperation's like a huge neon sign that screams "Stay Away!" in the dating scene. Plus, it makes me way more vulnerable to a toxic relationship.

When I'm checking out potential dates now, I'm definitely more drawn to someone who has their own life and their own thing going on. Wouldn’t you be, too?

Even when you're in a relationship, having your own identity is vital to keep the spark alive. It's about sharing new experiences together and also growing as individuals. Otherwise, things can get stale, and before you know it, you're drifting apart. For a relationship to last, it takes two people dedicated to personal and shared growth.

Reading Atul Gawande's book, Being Mortal, also highlighted the importance of enjoying my own company. It reminded me that most women will outlive our partners and live alone for 5+ years as we age. The average life expectancy is 79 for women and 72 for men. That's what happened with my grandmother. After my grandfather passed away, she lived alone for a decade. And let me tell you, she was amazing at it. Her strength and independence was truly inspiring.

How I learned how to enjoy my own company

So, how did I get to a point where I enjoy hanging out with myself? Learning how to enjoy your own company is definitely a life skill. It takes dedicated practice and intentional cultivation. Here's how I developed that skill:

Practice with small steps: After my divorce a few years back, I had plenty of time alone. This new reality made me adjust to being solo after years of being part of a pair. I started simply with daily walks, building intentional wind-up and wind-down routines, and figuring out little things like what I wanted for dinner (hummus + pita), and what shows I actually liked (nothing save Padma Lakshmi’s Taste of the Nation).

Develop hobbies or creative outlets: I also developed hobbies and creative outlets. I mean, how can you enjoy time alone if you've got nothing to do? Starting a couple of businesses (Powerhouse Strategy and Powerhouse Legal Strategy) and diving into a passion project (Modern Desi Women) kept me busy. I also read daily and go for walks while listening to podcasts. My friends enjoy simple solo activities like cooking, practicing yoga, hiking, rock climbing, and kayaking solo. One of my closest friends even went on several weeks-long backpacking trips alone. You’re my hero, Ashley Wiseman!

Change my mindset to value alone time: Most importantly, I had to face my fear of being alone and change my mindset. When I considered why I disliked being alone, I realized I feared being bored. I also realized that I needed solo time to process, reflect, decompress, and recharge. As an ambivert, alone time is a must for me to decompress and organize my thoughts. Now, I look forward to spending time alone. It's a crucial time for ideas to bloom, especially as a writer and entrepreneur. Almost all of my most crucial ideas developed when I spent time alone.

Travel alone: Traveling alone has been an incredible experience. It's tough aligning travel schedules with others, so getting comfortable with my own company opened up more travel opportunities. In the last year, I've taken solo trips to LA, Santa Barbara, Singapore, and even went on a 3-day meditation retreat. These trips were invaluable to zooming out and reflecting on my life. It helped me think about my overall happiness and satisfaction and what changes I might want to make.

Surround yourself with people who value their alone time: I also noticed all the people around me who also cherished their alone time. It was super helpful to see friends who were perfectly happy living and traveling alone, having their own hobbies, and being single for long stretches. It also didn’t hurt that the women role models in my life, namely my mother, grandmothers, and aunts, were all independent and strong women who were not afraid to do things independently. My mother routinely took herself out shopping for some self-care time, and my grandmother lived alone for nearly a decade. She spent her time tending to her home and garden, attending church daily, watching her favorite tv shows, and spending time with her many friends and siblings. It wasn’t unusual for me to call her, only for her to tell me to call back when she was less busy!

Learning to enjoy my alone time has made me happier and more confident. I've built a life that's meaningful and tailored to my liking. I’m also much less susceptible to relationships or people who may not fit me. I’m not desperate for anyone’s attention or company. And when I hit 70, I want to look back on a life lived fully, not one held back by the fear of doing things alone!

How can you schedule some alone time into your calendar this week? Let me know in the comments below.

Hey girl, struggling with self-confidence? Try these journal prompts for self-love.